Suicide is NOT painless

The jury is in. The song is wrong. Suicide is painFUL!

Just 2 nights ago, my niece, Jess, comitted suicide. She was 18 years old. No-one knows why. She never left any clues. Personally, I wonder if she was really just going for some attention, but misjudged things.

You see, she hung herself. But not in the normal way. Her feet were on the ground the whole time. The rope was tied to a tree, that she simply leaned away from. Was she just unconscious before she could change her mind? Or did she really mean to do it?

If she meant to do it, why did she send her dad (Colin) at text message sometime in the 2 hours from when she sent it, and when she was found, that just asked what he was up to? No hidden meaning in that.

Did she think no-one would care if she was gone? I have been depressed. I have felt suicidal. I have thought the world would be better off without me. Thankfully, God has picked me up every time.

Now, I know, from bitter experience, that the pain that those of us left behind suffer is indescribable. It is totally unbelievable that this has even happened. My kids grew up with her. Renata and her even shared one of their birthdays.

She was such an adorable little girl, with the most amazing curls (I was so jealous!) As she grew up, she had her problems. Life can be hard in the teenage years. But no-one had any inkling that she was depressed or anything. Could this have been avoided? No-one will ever know.

Tomorrow we head off to New Zealand for the funeral. Alicia, Sara and Renata (our 3 oldest) are already there for their studies. I want to hug them, cry with them. But I don't want to go. I want to shut down and pretend that while I am here in Australia, everything is fine. But once I get to New Zealand, the truth will bore it's way into my very heart and soul. The tears are already falling. The anguish is already there. But I know it will get worse.

I keep going over and over and over the fact, that the day before yesterday was just an ordinary day. A day that should have remained ordinary. A day we would have promptly forgotten.

But now, it will be etched in our minds forever. The day that I learned that suicide is NOT painless.