Monday, March 29, 2010

Home and Sick

Well, I can't say our trip to NZ was the happiest, but I am glad we went. The first week was very hard, trying to come to terms with Jes's death. I still have my teary moments, and I guess I always will.

We tried to give the girls some happy memories while we were there. We got to meet my sister Sonia's baby - Jayde. Man, has that child got a good set of lungs! Sonia was horribly jealous of our placid little girl:)

We got to take Alicia out for her 21st (which is actually today, seeing as it is 3am in NZ). I am still baffled as to how I got to be the mother of a 21 year old!!

Sadly we weren't able to stay long enough to see my youngest sister Rachael's baby. She is due on the 5th, so I guess I'll just have to go back! LOL.

Samara had a great time in dad's huge lounge, and got in plenty of crawling practice. She has her own unique technique which involves moving the left leg in the normal way, but then stiffening her right leg and pushing with her foot. But hey, whatever works!! She was a little confused by all the people who seemed to know her, and found it a bit much at times. But, true to form, she loved being the centre of attention.

One of her funnier moments was when her and I were playing with a toy that involved putting some little round (almost ball-like) butterflies into a flowerpot that tipped over and sent them rolling. When one rolled across the floor, I told her to go get it. I repeated "you get it" a couple of times. She set off to crawl across, then stopped. Thought about it for a moment, climbed up on me, then pointed to it going "et it, et it"!

Sara and Renata are enjoying their studies, although Sara is a bit baffled with all the psychology stuff she is doing! They were both really excited to see Samara, and were showing her off to their friends. Of course, who can blame them?!

The other girls were all happy seeing their friends and family, once they got through those first few days. They didn't want to come home, which was a bit of a bone of contention when it came to trying to get them to pack up all their stuff!

I got a sore throat on the Sunday before we came home. It is now Sunday again, and it is still really painful. It is the worst I have ever had, and the antibiotics aren't helping any. We have a rental inspection in the morning, and I have just been curled up in bed most of the time since we came home on Wednesday morning. Hopefully the agents will be understanding of the bombsite!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

It's Over and Done. Or is it?

Well, yesterday was Jes's funeral. Not that it made it any more real. How can suicide ever be real to those left behind?

We went and saw her on Sunday, but it really didn't look like her. I think they were trying to cover her bruising, by having her chin tucked down. But what it did, was left her looking like she had 3 chins, and as if she was in her 30's not 18. But her hair was a beautiful as ever!

A friend of hers is a graffiti artist and tagged the coffin, decorating it with painted pink roses. Quite pretty really. Her middle name is Rose.

As for those of us who were there to say goodbye, the place was packed with people who loved her. In fact, it was said by the funeral director that if she had seen how many people loved her, she would never have done what she did.

Why do we always wait until someone is gone before we tell them how special they are? Maybe we should all have pre-funerals! That way we would know how loved we are!!

Later today Michael (and maybe I) are going to see Colin without the kids. Not that I have any idea what we can say or do. But I guess it comes down to being there. It hurts me so bad. I can't imagine what he is going through.

I also wonder how those without faith get through something like this. It must be awful to think there is no hope. Having said that, my faith doesn't hold out much hope for Jes any more. But I can't bare to think about that.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Suicide is NOT painless

The jury is in. The song is wrong. Suicide is painFUL!

Just 2 nights ago, my niece, Jess, comitted suicide. She was 18 years old. No-one knows why. She never left any clues. Personally, I wonder if she was really just going for some attention, but misjudged things.

You see, she hung herself. But not in the normal way. Her feet were on the ground the whole time. The rope was tied to a tree, that she simply leaned away from. Was she just unconscious before she could change her mind? Or did she really mean to do it?

If she meant to do it, why did she send her dad (Colin) at text message sometime in the 2 hours from when she sent it, and when she was found, that just asked what he was up to? No hidden meaning in that.

Did she think no-one would care if she was gone? I have been depressed. I have felt suicidal. I have thought the world would be better off without me. Thankfully, God has picked me up every time.

Now, I know, from bitter experience, that the pain that those of us left behind suffer is indescribable. It is totally unbelievable that this has even happened. My kids grew up with her. Renata and her even shared one of their birthdays.

She was such an adorable little girl, with the most amazing curls (I was so jealous!) As she grew up, she had her problems. Life can be hard in the teenage years. But no-one had any inkling that she was depressed or anything. Could this have been avoided? No-one will ever know.

Tomorrow we head off to New Zealand for the funeral. Alicia, Sara and Renata (our 3 oldest) are already there for their studies. I want to hug them, cry with them. But I don't want to go. I want to shut down and pretend that while I am here in Australia, everything is fine. But once I get to New Zealand, the truth will bore it's way into my very heart and soul. The tears are already falling. The anguish is already there. But I know it will get worse.

I keep going over and over and over the fact, that the day before yesterday was just an ordinary day. A day that should have remained ordinary. A day we would have promptly forgotten.

But now, it will be etched in our minds forever. The day that I learned that suicide is NOT painless.